on the verge (of 1 AM)

Remember how I said that I was sick of my blog layout/template/everything about my blog that isn't the writing? I'd link you to that post, but I'm just too tired.

I am about to change the whole thing. And buy a domain name. *Deep breath*

And it's not even because I have THAT many readers....or that anyone is demanding change.

[how does one demand change on someone's blog anyway? i am picturing tiny icons, representing bloggers, holding signs that say "YOU ARE BORING" and "Give us a pretty layout or give us death!" what? i'm so f-ing tired.]

It's just that....I don't like looking at it. I know....this is all vanity. I don't even like TYPING the damn site name - I always forget the g in growing and end up with a site name that looks like I'm some girl in Alabama just writin' about the good ole days and that there's my mamma and here's my story of growin' up!

Anyway.

This whole thing is getting uprooted and moved. Soon. Possibly tomorrow?

I promise I'll provide details as to where you can find me. It'll probably be something like www.iamdumbandchangedmyblogbutgotstuckwithalongerdomainname.com

if that is an actual site, I will cry with joy.

Shut UP.

Ok. This post cannot be written without a confession preceding it.

I am a jealous person.

*stares at feet*

It is not something I am proud of, in fact it is a facet of my personality that I would remove if plastic surgery could be done to the psyche. I actually think that everyone has a little bit of jealousy in them - but I guess there is a difference between jealousy as an emotion and jealousy as a character trait. I possess the latter.

Ugh. It makes me cringe just typing those words because I know I will be instantly judged on them. I know what an ugly part of human nature jealousy can be - more so in the way it manifests itself and not always in the feeling of being jealous. For example, I can feel jealous when I see a woman at the gym running on the treadmill next to me effortlessly, not breaking a sweat as she hits mile 5 and me, panting and cramping after the first 15 minutes. That jealousy, however, does not possess me to act differently towards this stranger, to harm her in any way...to perhaps reach over and trip her on the treadmill. No, instead I just stew in my own inadequate running abilities. That type of jealousy I suppose only causes harm to one's self.

But then there is jealousy that causes us [me] to act in a hurtful way, pouring out negative energy onto those who are the object of said jealousy in the first place. Jealousy in a relationship usually plays out this way. You know, the why is your ex calling you, now we're in a fight because of something that is totally out of your control type of crazy jealousy.

This it the type of jealousy that makes me hang my head in shame because, being a mostly rational and logical person I know how IRRATIONAL this feeling is.

I know, and yet, I can't really help it.

So this morning when I found myself getting snappy because other people have decided to express that they too think that MY significant other is an amazing and beautiful person...I had to stop myself. Because a. it is not her fault b. she is being honest because she is in fact the most honest person on the planet AND c. she is beautiful and amazing and of course other people recognize this.

And as the jealousy swirled in my head with ugly thoughts, I had to force myself back to reality and tell them to SHUT UP. Because I am being dumb.

Besides, she chose me. [sticks out tongue]

Ok, ok. I'm working on it.

Tequila anyone?

I am all over the place today. Woke up feeling sick, almost talked myself out of going to class, actually did go to class, felt better, went to the PA office and was in a much better mood [because they are just some of the most wonderful people ever.] went to work, felt strange [whole different story.], went to class, felt bored and then angry. The anger was followed by a moment of wallowing self-pity, accompanied with a bit of depression, with a side of WHAT THE FUCK is wrong with me?

I left school, anxious and looking for someone to talk to about my rollercoastery state. Alas, no one was around. Or could talk. As I drove down the higway, I could almost see my bad mood permeate through my clothes, creating a palpable cloud of blah. So I did what anyone would do in my situation. I went and bought chocolate pudding.

And now here I sit, bowl in hand. Staring at the large mound of pudding topped with cool whip, reminding myself that it's all fat free, I don't feel as cured as one might have hoped. Apparently this sugary indulgence is not what I am looking for to fill the void.

Sigh.

For now I will sit and wait. Wait for the feeling to pass.

The Unbearable Lightness of Blogging

You know that commercial for cleaning products where the woman is sitting in front of her mop or broom and listing her grievances with its performance and then proceeds to fire him and bring in the new Sniffer Duster Plus now with Turbo boosting performance?

This is how I feel about my blog layout.

Since I started this blog, I have become sort of a maniac about the whole thing. I realize how ridiculous I am whenever I look at my blog and have mini panic attacks in my head...

I really don't like how gray the background is....maybe I should have chosen a shorter title....do I need a tagline?....why can't I think of a clever tagline!!?!?....I don't like my about me section....why does blogger restrict my creativity with its cookie cutter setup?...how can I be expected to write brilliant, witty, imaginative postings under THESE CONDITIONS!?!?!

See? I told you. Maniac.

I don't want my domain name to be so long and followed by dot blogspot or dot wordpress or dot typepad.

And I want to have Photoshop installed for free on my computer. Any takers?

It would be great if said Photoshop could come with a person to explain all the ins and outs of the program as well. Mmmm k?

No?

Fine.

And so begins the journey of developing a new design, a new layout, a tagline...maybe even a domain name that is easier to type. Because even I have trouble getting it right. Stay tuned.