Monday, April 23

Shut UP.

Ok. This post cannot be written without a confession preceding it.

I am a jealous person.

*stares at feet*

It is not something I am proud of, in fact it is a facet of my personality that I would remove if plastic surgery could be done to the psyche. I actually think that everyone has a little bit of jealousy in them - but I guess there is a difference between jealousy as an emotion and jealousy as a character trait. I possess the latter.

Ugh. It makes me cringe just typing those words because I know I will be instantly judged on them. I know what an ugly part of human nature jealousy can be - more so in the way it manifests itself and not always in the feeling of being jealous. For example, I can feel jealous when I see a woman at the gym running on the treadmill next to me effortlessly, not breaking a sweat as she hits mile 5 and me, panting and cramping after the first 15 minutes. That jealousy, however, does not possess me to act differently towards this stranger, to harm her in any perhaps reach over and trip her on the treadmill. No, instead I just stew in my own inadequate running abilities. That type of jealousy I suppose only causes harm to one's self.

But then there is jealousy that causes us [me] to act in a hurtful way, pouring out negative energy onto those who are the object of said jealousy in the first place. Jealousy in a relationship usually plays out this way. You know, the why is your ex calling you, now we're in a fight because of something that is totally out of your control type of crazy jealousy.

This it the type of jealousy that makes me hang my head in shame because, being a mostly rational and logical person I know how IRRATIONAL this feeling is.

I know, and yet, I can't really help it.

So this morning when I found myself getting snappy because other people have decided to express that they too think that MY significant other is an amazing and beautiful person...I had to stop myself. Because a. it is not her fault b. she is being honest because she is in fact the most honest person on the planet AND c. she is beautiful and amazing and of course other people recognize this.

And as the jealousy swirled in my head with ugly thoughts, I had to force myself back to reality and tell them to SHUT UP. Because I am being dumb.

Besides, she chose me. [sticks out tongue]

Ok, ok. I'm working on it.

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Anonymous zandria said...

But look on the flip side -- isn't it better for people to think your significant other is gorgeous and awesome, than to think the opposite and always have to be making excuses for why you're with him?

Thursday, April 26, 2007 5:00:00 PM


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