Shut UP.

Ok. This post cannot be written without a confession preceding it.

I am a jealous person.

*stares at feet*

It is not something I am proud of, in fact it is a facet of my personality that I would remove if plastic surgery could be done to the psyche. I actually think that everyone has a little bit of jealousy in them - but I guess there is a difference between jealousy as an emotion and jealousy as a character trait. I possess the latter.

Ugh. It makes me cringe just typing those words because I know I will be instantly judged on them. I know what an ugly part of human nature jealousy can be - more so in the way it manifests itself and not always in the feeling of being jealous. For example, I can feel jealous when I see a woman at the gym running on the treadmill next to me effortlessly, not breaking a sweat as she hits mile 5 and me, panting and cramping after the first 15 minutes. That jealousy, however, does not possess me to act differently towards this stranger, to harm her in any way...to perhaps reach over and trip her on the treadmill. No, instead I just stew in my own inadequate running abilities. That type of jealousy I suppose only causes harm to one's self.

But then there is jealousy that causes us [me] to act in a hurtful way, pouring out negative energy onto those who are the object of said jealousy in the first place. Jealousy in a relationship usually plays out this way. You know, the why is your ex calling you, now we're in a fight because of something that is totally out of your control type of crazy jealousy.

This it the type of jealousy that makes me hang my head in shame because, being a mostly rational and logical person I know how IRRATIONAL this feeling is.

I know, and yet, I can't really help it.

So this morning when I found myself getting snappy because other people have decided to express that they too think that MY significant other is an amazing and beautiful person...I had to stop myself. Because a. it is not her fault b. she is being honest because she is in fact the most honest person on the planet AND c. she is beautiful and amazing and of course other people recognize this.

And as the jealousy swirled in my head with ugly thoughts, I had to force myself back to reality and tell them to SHUT UP. Because I am being dumb.

Besides, she chose me. [sticks out tongue]

Ok, ok. I'm working on it.

Musical Memories

Anyone who knows me has some idea of the importance music plays in my life. I couldn't even begin to describe in words the place music holds in my life (so why am I blogging...? right, I'm getting there.) The truth of it is, there have been times in my life when music was really all I needed to help get me through. Music has such a powerful ability to instill creativity, fuel revolutions, express empathy and make everyone dance. While one song could help heal your broken heart, another will force you feel the weight of the world and the pain of losing someone so important.

I realize not everyone is this intense about music. I know a lot of people who don't even know all the words to their favorite songs. But even if you don't have an intricate knowledge of music and are not musically inclined at all - I can almost gurantee that there are songs that have the ability to transport you back to a certain place and time in your life.

For me, this is an intensely powerful force music has over me. It is comparable to stepping outside on a bitterly cold day and feeling that gust of wind almost knock the air clear out of your lungs. Or the shock you feel when you jump into a pool and your body first slices through the surface of the water. Or the quickening of your heart beat when you first realize you are in love. Some songs have the most insane ability to literally make me feel exactly how I felt at a certain moment in my past. The memory of that time becomes so vivid in my brain, not just as pictures, but as emotions, as colors, as sounds....the sense of touch and smell.....it is as forceful as a sudden jolt of deja vu, stronger even, because it is not just a sense that I have been there, but the reminder of somewhere I was, somewhere I will never be again.

As my iTunes shuffles through the 1000 + songs on my playlist, I find myself having to skip many of the songs, as they remind me of painful past memories....or wonderful past memories that ended in pain. Or memories where I was so incredibly elated with my life that just remembering it brings tears to my eyes and slowness to my breath.

How music gained this much control over me, I will never know. But as I sit here and listen to one of the first songs that ever made me think of the love of my life....I am overwhelmed. And somewhat relieved that I still am able to feel so powerful just through thought.