Wednesday, April 11

Zen

I worry. About pretty much everything. I worry about stupid things - whether or not I turned the heat down when I left the house or how I have yet to fold last week's clean laundry and am simply treating my hamper as a closet. I worry about petty things - why my hair seems flat today, how my eyebrows need to be plucked on an every other day basis (or why I am such a fanatic when it comes to my eyebrows). I worry about the state of the world - about the war, about starvation, about how much CO2 my car is spewing in the air every day contributing to the planet's fever. I am a worrier. I inherited this from my mother.

My level of worrying stems from a much larger issue, better known as the thing I am medicated for (anxiety). Though the drugs do help, there are certain things that have far and away been my saving grace when it comes to this problem. Yoga and mediation are up there along with constantly writing. Writing and buying books that I will eventually read. [Recently I received a gift card for Borders...which is the equivalent of giving an alcoholic a brand new bottle of single malt scotch. Bad news bears.] Meditation and all of the books I have read about meditation and spirituality have led me down such an interesting path over the last year. I find myself recognizing behaviors or tendencies that I have and finally being able to talk myself down from the proverbial cliff. When I meditate or pray, I am able to actually clear my mind, or mindfully acknowledge thoughts that I have and then refocus back on whatever mantra I have chosen.

I know a lot of people are skeptical about meditation or anything related to spirituality. Being raised Catholic but always disagreeing with everything I was taught, I never felt I could ever be fulfilled by a "higher power." I am a skeptic to my core which makes it hard to buy into anything that doesn't have a logical purpose and reason behind it. But this doesn't mean I don't want to believe in something. I just want it to be a true belief - not a belief in something that sounds like a really well-written fable for kids about an ark and a garden and magic acts. For some people, that is where their true belief lies. There is nothing wrong with this.

But it is not for me. I have searched for balance and poise and inner peace for as long as I can remember. It is only recently that this search has become a living, breathing part of my existence. Someone once told me, when I find myself worrying about what is to come or what has been, when I worry about all that I should be doing and all that I have done wrong - I need to remind myself to just. be. Be here, now, with whatever is happening and however you feel. Be sad if you are sad, calm if you are calm, angry if you are angry. Feel whatever it is you are feeling and don't worry that it is not the right thing to feel or the healthy way to think about things. Just be. I recite this to myself a lot. I take deep breaths and close my eyes and repeat this simple phrase whenever I find my head cannot locate one rational or peaceful thought.

So the point of my rambling this morning is just to say how thankful I am for the ability to attempt to find inner peace. I wish for nothing more than to be able to have that goal - balance in my life - and to remember that however unbalanced I may feel, I need to just be.

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3 Comments:

Anonymous molly said...

Thank you for that. I struggle with my own beliefs and it's nice to see it be able to read along and shake my head Yes! Oh, and working out is great for anxiety. Can't wait for day three ;)

Wednesday, April 11, 2007 10:54:00 AM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

A favorite quote of mine from Robert Ingersoll:

Happiness is the only good. The time to be happy is now. The place to be happy is here. The way to be happy is to make others so.

Wednesday, April 11, 2007 11:58:00 AM

 
Anonymous Mommer said...

Sorry about giving you the worrying gene! I didn't mean to! Being a deep thinker and feeler is better than just existing though, on the down side - it can be painful. I still think it's much better to feel. If I could make you over again, I wouldn't change a thing.

Wednesday, April 11, 2007 12:35:00 PM

 

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