Strange Happenings on Hump Day

It’s only early afternoon and already this day is turning out to be spectacularly weird.

This morning, while getting coffee, I ran into someone who I do not like. Someone who I have interacted with in a variety of settings over the past few years and have come to believe that she is, in fact, a poor representation of the human race. And she should probably be voted off the island.

Let me explain. I don’t make it a habit to bash people, particularly not in writing on the internet. It’s a waste of time. And creates bad karma. But this person is one of the most stuck-up, self-centered, pretentious, ignorant women I have ever come across. She is incredibly book smart and “successful” [in the sense that she succeeds at sucking at life] both academically and professionally. But she doesn’t listen to anyone but herself and her mother, who I have never met, but imagine she is just as much of an asshole. She thinks herself the queen of everything she does, and not in a cute, humorous way, but in a, seriously I am freaking awesome so if you could please kiss my feet and listen to everything I have to say because I am always RIGHT so shut up and bring me my crown kind of way.

Anyway, I could drown you in anecdotes of her douchebaggery, but I will instead just recount my obligatory interaction with her this morning.

Me: Oh hi *****, how are you doing?
(read: Why the fuck are you ruining my morning coffee run?)

Queen: Hi!!!!!!!!! (the exclamation points are necessary to display her vomit-inducing fakeness) I’m doing great, as usual, how about you? Oh I haven’t seen you in forever!

Me: I’m doing good, thanks for asking. It has been a while. What are you up to?
(read: I was fine until I saw your face. Please don’t misinterpret my politeness.)

Queen: Oh, I’m so busy these days! I’m working up in Providence but still living with my parents in their mansion in Newport. I just simply can’t leave there. Bryan and I got engaged….did you hear? Oh my god he proposed to me when we were in St. Lucia in his parents timeshare, which, is GORGEOUS by the way, you should totally visit there is you have the chance. Have you graduated yet…..

Me: No, in May.
(read: I hate you.)

Queen: Are you excited? I remember graduation….so much fun! Do you know what you are doing afterwards? I remember my first job offer, so exciting!

Me: Well, I think I am going to m-…..

Queen: That’s awesome. Blah blah blah blah blah blah

This continued for another painful 5 minutes. It could have been 3 days, I don’t know. All time and space seem to cease when she talks and you begin to wonder if she has actually succeeded in destroying the balance of good and evil and subsequently caused the universe to blow up.

I guess I’m exaggerating a little bit. But you should meet this woman. You will understand.

So, I left the coffee shop, late for work and seething as I tried to convince myself that even she is a good person deep down. Right.

I get to work, and shortly thereafter must leave for a doctor’s appointment. ALWAYS a good time. I will spare everyone the gory details – because honestly, it’s lunchtime and even I don’t want to recount the poking and prodding.

I will say this. After being weighed (UGH. Wanted to punch very skinny nurse in the forehead) and measured, the doctor reported that I am 5’8.

I’m sorry, 5’ what? I asked. 5’8 she replied and looked at me strangely, because, at this age, who doesn’t know how tall they are?? Well, up until a year or two ago, I was 5’6 and a half. Close to 5’7. Some doctors would just say 5’7, rounding up an inch or two. I have been this height since I was FIFTEEN.

Suddenly and very sporadically, I have grown a little over an inch. “Probably just one of those things” the doctor shrugged and continued the exam.

What do you MEAN one of those things? One of those things where your head starts to vertically expand upward and cause the top of your head to protrude an INCH above your normal height? Of course when I got back to my office, I immediately did a google search for normal height growth in women. The results were mixed, but it seems I am not the only freak who continues to grow well past the normal age. OK. But is it going to continue?

My boss told me I should look on the bright side. At least now I can apply to be on America’s Top Model. Phew. That makes it all better. Now I’d just have to drop forty or fifty pounds and I am so in.